Not Really There
by Mistyeye
Summary: A short oneshot based on something I noticed while watching episode 10, Them. This is about the loss of close friendship and survivor guilt and is neither for or against Bethyl or Caryl, I have no strong feelings either way. If it is seen that way it is unintentional. Offensive guest reviews will be deleted not because of the criticism but because they are unnecessarily rude.


**Not Really There**

He barely flinched as he pushed the burning cigarette against the side of his hand, watching as the skin puckered and blackened. Dropping the now extinguished stub to the ground he sank back against the tree. Pain of a different kind overwhelmed him and he couldn't hold back the sobs any longer.

He'd thought finding and losing Beth had been the worst thing that could ever happened to him until this. This was unbearable, the pain crushing him until he could hardly function. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, his mind kept playing it over and over again in his head. He should have been faster, should have paid more attention, should have stopped it.

He knew the rest of the group thought he was losing it, saw the concerned looks they shot his way, heard the whispers when they thought he was out of earshot. He'd seen Rick carefully remove the handgun from his jacket when he'd taken it off to try and sleep. They no longer trusted his sanity and he couldn't blame them. Not when he kept seeing her, hearing her voice as she offered to come with him into the woods when he tried to hunt, when she told him he had to feel, to let things out. He could still feel the kiss to his forehead, her hand gently brushing the hair from his eyes before she leant in and brushed her lips against him. It was their first, their last, their only kiss.

Finally he left the shelter of the trees, returning to find the others huddled around several bottles of water left in the road. Rick showed him the note.

_"__From a Friend"_

He pulled the crossbow from his back, eyes searching for a threat as Eugene reached for a bottle only to have it knocked from his hands by Abraham. They walked away from the precious water, deciding the risk was too great, just as the rain started.

Delight and joy turned to fear as the storm grew and they took shelter in the barn he'd spotted earlier, taking warmth from the small fire built in a trash can lid. He saw her there as she tried to tell Rick not to worry, that Carl would bounce back, because that's what children did, but Rick didn't hear her. He couldn't stay sitting with them when Rick declared that they were the walking dead and had to be to survive. Snatching his crossbow up he tried to find solace on his own, instead finding a hoard of walkers heading for the half open barn door.

The storm grew fiercer as they fought together, desperately trying to hold the door closed against the undead. Suddenly, after the wind had reached a piercing crescendo, the walkers were gone and they could rest.

He spent the remainder of the night leaning against the wall, unable to sleep, tinkering with the broken music box Carl had given Maggie, keeping watch, keeping guard.

Just before sunrise Maggie dropped next to him, telling him to get some sleep. He nodded as he glanced at the still sleeping Sasha.

"He was strong" he mumbled, glancing at her tear filled eyes before continuing "She was strong as well, she didn't know it but she was"

Maggie nodded, glancing at him quickly before dropping her eyes.

"I heard her" she confessed quietly. "When I found the walker with the gun, I heard her say some people can't give up, like us"

He stared at her briefly, not saying a word before handing her the music box, telling her it worked now, there had just been grit in the gears. With a small smile she took it and went to Sasha, the two of them heading outside to watch the sunrise, returning a short while later with a stranger held at gunpoint.

The stranger, Aaron, told them of a place they could be safe, a place with food, shelter and protection and they had finally gone with him. What he'd told them had been true and they had settled into the Alexandria Safe Zone, feeling secure for the first time since the prison.

Knowing his family were safe at last he allowed himself to sleep but the nightmares came every night. He relived the moment he lost her every time he closed his eyes. It was always Maggie that came to him, waking him with tender hands. She was the only one that understood, she'd been through so much herself she knew what he was suffering. She tried to convince him it wasn't his fault, there'd been nothing any of them could have done. He tried but he couldn't make himself believe her words.

After two months the nightmares began to fade, he no longer saw her and began to live his life again. He joined in with the weekly poker games held in the house where he had his room. The men he shared his home with had their own losses to recover from but they were all surviving.

He smiled as Judith thrived and grew, laughed when Rick ribbed him about the pretty woman in the mess hall who always seemed to give him extra servings when it was her turn on meal duty. Life was slowly returning to normal.

It was six months after their arrival when the alarm was sounded late one night. Pulling boots on and grabbing weapons they ran outside to see armed men pouring through the now smashed gates.

Through the chaos, the smoke and the sound of screams and gunfire he saw her for the first time since they had arrived there. Her face was twisted in concern and she was pointing behind him. Spinning he saw one of the intruders running from the compound, the limp form of the woman from the mess hall slung over his shoulder. Glancing around he knew the others could cope with the attackers and set off at a run.

He tracked the man through the trees, finding him in a small clearing. The woman had recovered enough to be fighting him as he pinned her down, both her slender wrists gripped painfully in one of his large, calloused hands as he pawed at her with his free hand, his intentions obvious.

The man let go of her with a yelp of pain when the crossbow bolt sank into his thigh, rolling sideways to see who had attacked him. His hand was reaching for the gun in his waistband when the heavy crossbow smashed into his face, knocking him onto his back, breaking his nose and stunning him. A foot drove into his ribs several times before a heavy weight pinned him down. The man caught a brief flash of metal in the moonlight as the knife sliced down, cutting his throat in one quick movement. It didn't take long for him to bleed to death.

The woman was sitting up, trying to cover herself with the remains of her ripped shirt. Gallantly averting his eyes he pulled off his jacket and handed it to her, waiting until she was decent before turning and offering his hand to help her to her feet.

"Thank you" she whispered, keeping a tight grip on his hand, leaning into his side as they headed back to the safe zone.

The attackers had been defeated, the bodies rounded up ready to burn and the damaged gates were already being repaired as they walked through the now quiet streets. He ignored Ricks knowing glance and Maggie's smile as he walked the woman to her house, making sure she got safely to her door.

As he turned to go she raised her hand, laying it against his face, placing a light kiss to his cheek.

"Thank you for coming for me, for saving me" she said softly as she slipped through the door "see you tomorrow"

He stared at the door, her words sinking in. He had saved her, this time he hadn't failed. He'd lost Beth, then Carol but he'd been given another chance and this time he'd succeeded. He felt a weight lift from his chest as he walked away from her house.

Movement by the gate caught his eye and he saw Carol. She was watching him, a small smile on her face as her eyes met his. She raised her hand in farewell as she turned and walked out of the gate, quickly disappearing from his sight.

He knew he wouldn't see her again, she had only been there until he was ready to let go and move on.

He knew it was time, he was finally ready to live again.

**END**

**A/N**

**I hope you enjoyed this.****It got into my head when I noticed that Daryl was the only one that appeared to acknowledge Carol in the whole episode.****When she spoke to Rick about Carl he didn't really reply and neither did Maggie after she killed the walker in the barn.****I also have some concerns about Glenn for the same reasons.****I really hope I'm totally wrong.**

**Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think.**

**Mistyeye**


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